Ticking

I feel like a grandfather clock but with age I've started slowing down. My quality is decreasing and the dust is increasing. Everyone around me is obvious to my ticks and how they stopped. I once made everyone including myself smile. Now it is never with a real smile but simply a smirk that lies. They smile, I smile, I lie and everyones happy. Yet I'm still not ticking.

C-o-n-t-r-o-l

When I was younger, I used to constantly spell words out in my head. It was after I failed a spelling test in the fourth that I started. “O-r-a-n-g-e...orange, S-c-h-o-o-l, School.” Like that, every second that my brain was in denial of what was happening around me I would simply start spelling words. Thinking in retrospect it was a coping mechanism I used to deal with my parents divorce and the issues surrounding. I've tried to analyze why spelling words out in my head would help me feel better. Stability and control, when every thing was falling apart the one thing that would never change was the fundamentals of the English language. No one could make me stop spelling those words. I could go on for hours and no one would come upstairs and tell me that the English language was divorcing and that I had to move on. I had control, my brain, my rules, my words. They were going nowhere and no one could take that.

As I got older, things didn't get better. I found out the truth about everything and my world was spinning, faster and faster and without the intent of slowing down. The dark soil of my soul dried into a dusty plain and cracked, my demons we're released.

We think of demons as evil pixie resembling creatures but my demons took the form of words. Repeated in my head over and over again, forming into armies and crushing me. “It's your fault..f-a-u-l-t” “They don't love you, they never did...n-e-v-e-r” “You're ugly, that's why they don't love you...u-g-l-y”

The words of someone else resemble little jabs from a dull knife onto rough skin, the words that you imprint onto yourself are the steel brands that sizzle with touch. The constant ache that you will never get rid of.

I have brands that will never leave but I can only cope, these are the brands that make me who I am today. My demons never left and when things get hard and I've lost all hope they repeat themselves “Failure...f-a-i-l-u...” but I stop. They are nothing but words, I have control. It's my brain, my rules and my words.

My Demons.

I can't watch it! I don't want to watch it but my eyes remain focused. I'm wittnessing the fights, the kisses, the talks, the smiles, the tears, the pages being turned. I'm watching it all but I'm not living it. It's not me that's longing for his arms, it's not me wishing to be complete and it's not me reading the books. It's a girl with long brown hair like me, with dark eyes. With a thin gaunt face, eyes full of life. It's not her life but she's fighting for control, she want's to live with risks. She wants life to be on the dangerous side, she doesn't let people walk all over her. She has eyes that flick to red and she doesn't take no for an answer. She has every thing I could only wish to be. Her only fault is that she isn't me, she doesn't care for others, wish upon stars, smile, and reach for a better goal.

I am me, she can wish to be me. I can wish to be her, it's how we relate. We're different but the same. She's the devil to my angel. We complete each other in a way other's can't see or relate to.

Why I Shouldn't Have Hid Brittany's Boots

Why I Shouldn't Have Hid Brittany's Boots.

“Brittany is a snot nosed brat!” Proclaimed my ten year old self through gritted teeth to a stuffed bear. “I'll get her back for throwing my Darth Vader necklace off the bench!” I was a vengeful young one. Which is a rather explosive combination considering that I was quite a smooth talker when it comes to trouble. Not like I was some sorta bad-ass bully I just took things really personal. Take my yogurt at snack time? I thought a punch to the eye was an equal trade.

Brittany was my sworn arch enemy in elementary school, she and her friends liked Hilary Duff and I was still listening to my moms country albums and singing the Grease soundtrack. They liked the movie Mean Girls and I was quoting Star Wars. They were princess's; I was a werewolf. Whenever Brittany would make fun of me I would run home crying and wouldn't be able to think of a comeback until I was lying in bed getting ready to sleep. “Yeah you think my superman shirt is stupid? Well your house smells like soup!”

I was sick of crying and I wanted my revenge. The next day I rushed out for recess early but instead of putting my boots on right away I hid Brittany's purple puffy moon boots behind the recycle bin. I ran around the corner and peered with wide eyes. My ten year old self thought hearing Brittany's tone of panic would make me feel better for all the things that she had done. An eye for an eye right? I was wrong; I started to feel horrible and rushed over and happened to “find” the boots. She thought she had misplaced the boots and I thought that Brittany would be over joyed that I had found them and would thank me by wanting to be my friend! I was also wrong about that. Brittany instead; snatched the boots out of my good-doing hopeful young hands. For the first time I wasn't crying; I figured that it wasn't worth it. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't reward you in any way other then not being friends with a girl who's house smells like soup.

Rams and Hearts

Joan Gabriel

Shakespear! I know you're dead but lets get married!

While witnessing an augment during my English class and listening to how the conversation went along I was quite ashamed to say that I share the same generation with these people. The insults dropped and the words used had about the depth of a kiddie pool. With all the shame and remanding brain cells of my generation I created a list with the help of my great friend William Shakespeare of worthy insults and when and how to use them. (I am not responsible for weird looks, black eyes or punishments. Use with caution)

Normal Argument: “Hey! That's my desk dude get the hell out of it.”

“No, man. I got here first, instead of being such a bitch squealer, go take a shower and go find another desk.”

Improved Argument: Hey! Thats my desk, dude get the hell out of it”

“Thou puking pottle-deep codpiece , I have claimed this seat for my own. If you would like to have me removed, thou shall pull the desk from my cold death-ridden hands and even after doing so shall be haunted by my ghost. Perhaps instead of spending all your time worrying about a desk should go take care of some other issues...perhaps the putrid smell that surrounds your body?

“Eff off man.”

Normal Argument: “George, take out the trash or no video games”

“Moooooooomm, why can't you do it? You tell me I'm lazy but your the one who always asks me to do the damn chores.”

Improved Argument: “George, take out the trash or no video games”

“Mother, are you incapable of such small task that you must resort to asking your acne ridden adolescence son to do such petty tasks? Perhaps by setting a positive example I would pick it up but by being as equally as incompetent as me I will never learn.”

“*sighs*, just do it.”

Normal Argument: “Why do you eat so gross! Your like a dog.”

“*snickers* Well if I'm a dog, what the hell does that make your mom?”

Improved Argument:”Why do you eat so gross! Your like a dog.”
“Thy mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"

(Act I Scene 1 of Timon of Athens)

Rams and Hearts,

Joan Gabriel

I am Joan Gabriel...

I am Joan Alice Gabriel. I currently at the stage of my life where i have no clue who i am. I know the things I like, i like the smell of rain. I like when my hair is curly. I like when my cat cuddles with me. I like when you tell me things you like about me and things you don't. I sing phantom of the opera songs while I am showering. I will proudly tell you that harry potter made me who i am today. I can't say life has always been easy because i do not think anyone can truthfuly say that.  I drink out of novetly cups and wear fuzzy sweaters. I wear dresses,skirts and bows. I wear skinny jeans and converse. I like to make people laugh. Im dramatic. I am so many things, but i still don't know half of them.