Flame

Flame

I remember as a child being very confused at the idea of death, aren't we all at some point or another? The thing that scared me the most was that I couldn't plan it, I liked planning things. I wrote down lists of what I wanted to accomplish that day, I was eight at the time so my goals for the day usually consisted of :

• Don't get beat up at school
• Don't call your teacher mommy
• Tell Kyle you have a crush on him
• Drive your bike down the street

I can't say that my need to plan has really gone away but I'm able to deal with the fact that I can't plan death but at the time, oh my death was a scary thing. “If I'm dead, who will play with my barbies?” “Who will drive my bike?” “I just got a A+ on my spelling test! Whats the point if I'm dead?!” I never really grasped that once you die that's it, game over, shut the book.

It took my first real experience with death to open my eyes, I turned eleven around the time my mom had found a perfect babysitter, Gryia. She was caring, liked kids and was close to the house. She was great, but I often thought of things I didn't like about her just because I was eleven and thought I was too old for a babysitter. My thoughts were cold and icy but I loved her, it was impossible not to. When I loved someone it was warm and enough to melt the icy soul of a fragile girl.

The night had settled like any other, my mind was racing as per usual but I tried to relax myself with some television with my youngest brother Alex. We had a cartoon on and I was laughing on que at the appropriate times. I had a cup of juice in my hand on the warn down couch, my mother sobbed a loud cry that was different then the ones I heard before. This was a cry of death, a unfamiliar ringing that sounded like crashing fine china. Something so fragile made a sound so loud and so unforgettable. Her feet rushed together down the stairs, her eyes red and she made the best attempt at a yell she could for all of us to come down stairs. We all started at her until she spoke “ Gryia is dead, she got in a car accident”. It was death and I then knew what happened, you went out.

I learnt something while my tears ran down, you're a fire. You are lite up when you're born. You're a beautiful flame unlike any other, you can either burn or warm up the people around you. She was a flame that was yet to be discovered but was blown out. It took me until then to stop planning death and to let it happen. You can't lite that flame once it's been put out but you can remember the warmth.